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Vampire
Free Worlds League
Lieutenant Colonel
Joined: 05-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 912
Location: Spain
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 Posted: 27-Mar-2003 13:36 Post subject: Military humor |
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Enjoy!
1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." )Paul Rodriguez)
2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit" - (Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.)
3. "Aim towards the Enemy" - (Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher)
4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.(U.S. Marine Corps)
5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.(U.S. Air Force.)
6. If the enemy is in range, so are you. (Infantry Journal.)
7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.(U.S. Air Force Manual.)
8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. (Gen. MacArthur.)
9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo. (Infantry Journal.)
10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me. (U.S.M.C. Gunnery Sgt.)
11. Tracers work both ways. (U.S. Army Ordnance.)
12. Five second fuses only last three seconds. (Infantry Journal.)
13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything. (U. S Navy Swabbie.)
14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.(David Hackworth.)
15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.(Infantry Journal.)
16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.(Joe Gay.)
17. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . once.(Admiral Hornblower.)
18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.(Unknown Marine Recruit.)
19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.(Your Buddies.)
20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.(Saddam Hussein.)
21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.(David Hackworth.)
_________________
Memento audare semper
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Sir Henry
Team Bansai
Senior Tech Specialist
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 4899
Location: United States
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| Posted: 27-Mar-2003 14:22 Post subject: RE: Military humor |
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The last part of 13 should read 'and Never Again Volunteer Yourself'.
18 applied to my father too.... Weird....
_________________
Sir Henry
A Dragon in the disguise of a bunny, is still a Dragon.
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Alexander
Heavy Horse Merc Brigade
Commanding Officer
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 828
Location: Canada
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| Posted: 27-Mar-2003 17:08 Post subject: RE: Military humor |
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1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." )Paul Rodriguez)
-Hey, that's my signature.
2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit" - (Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.)
-That's why you don't carry them loaded unless you're going to fire. And always put the safety on.
3. "Aim towards the Enemy" - (Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher)
-It's also on Claymore command detonate mines.
4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.(U.S. Marine Corps)
-Too true.
5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.(U.S. Air Force.)
-Same with Artillery then. Although being on the receiving end of friendly artillery would probably skew the results some.
6. If the enemy is in range, so are you. (Infantry Journal.)
-Depending on the weapon system, yeah.
7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.(U.S. Air Force Manual.)
-Always masters of the obvious.
8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. (Gen. MacArthur.)
-Or a tank! 
9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo. (Infantry Journal.)
-Not too hard unless you're operating something cool like a tank!
10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me. (U.S.M.C. Gunnery Sgt.)
-A small sacrifice to the war gods I see.
11. Tracers work both ways. (U.S. Army Ordnance.)
-Yeah, and they just look soo cool!
12. Five second fuses only last three seconds. (Infantry Journal.)
-And three second fuses probably won't go off at all.
13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything. (U. S Navy Swabbie.)
-Never attract the attention of your instructors. The longer you can go without being noticed, the better your life will be!
14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.(David Hackworth.)
-Or just the last stupid act you do in your life.
15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.(Infantry Journal.)
-Or drove.
16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.(Joe Gay.)
-No combat has ever passed inspection either.
17. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . once.(Admiral Hornblower.)
-That makes a lasting impression.
18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.(Unknown Marine Recruit.)
-Oh yeah. It's really easy to find a soldier something to do. Like sweeping the road in front of the barracks, or combing the garss for bits of garbage, or some other equally distastful task.
19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.(Your Buddies.)
-Yeah. Nuff said.
20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.(Saddam Hussein.)
-And the gift that keeps on killing.
21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.(David Hackworth.)
-Too true.
Alexander
_________________
War is God's way of teaching geography.
[ This Message was edited by: Alexander on 2003-03-27 17:09 ]
_________________
War is God's way of teaching geography.
*******
Commanding Officer, North West Armoured Cavalry
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Nightmare
Lyran Alliance
Kommandant-General
Joined: 03-May-2002 00:00
Posts: 2214
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| Posted: 28-Mar-2003 00:53 Post subject: RE: Military humor |
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Seems to be a few entries from the old Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations.
MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT OPERATIONS
1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
12. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
13. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
14. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. when they're ready. b. when you're not.
15. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
16. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
17. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
18. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
19. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
20. The easy way is always mined.
21. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
22. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire.
23. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
24. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
25. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
26. Incoming fire has the right of way.
27. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
28. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
29. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
30. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
31. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
32. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
33. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
34. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
35. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
36. Tracers work both ways.
37. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
38. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
39. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
40. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
41. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
42. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
43. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
44. Napalm is an area support weapon.
45. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
46. Orbital bombardment is the ultimate close support weapon.
47. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
48. The one item you need is always in short supply.
49. Interchangeable parts aren't.
50. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed to whom it may concern you've got to think about.
51. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
52. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
53. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
54. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
55. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
56. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
57. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
58. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
59. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
60. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
61. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
62. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
63. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
64. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
65. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
66. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
67. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
68. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
69. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
70. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA, WIA or MIA.
71. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
72. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
73. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
74. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
75. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
76. A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
77. Murphy was a grunt.
78. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
79. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
80. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
81. The crucial round is a dud.
82. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
83. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
84. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
85. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
86. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
87. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
88. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
89. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
90. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
91. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
92. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
93. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
94. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
95. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
96. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
97. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
98. Walking point = sniper bait.
99. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
100. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
_________________
A tree fall in the forest, and no one is around, and it hits a mime. Does anyone care?
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Sir Henry
Team Bansai
Senior Tech Specialist
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 4899
Location: United States
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| Posted: 28-Mar-2003 07:35 Post subject: RE: Military humor |
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Don't you just love Military Dogma.....
Truer words were never uttered, in range of the NCO's........
_________________
Sir Henry
A Dragon in the disguise of a bunny, is still a Dragon.
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