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Clan Hell's Horses
Galaxy Commander
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 1663
Location: United States
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 Posted: 02-Apr-2002 12:26 Post subject: How to fail on your GCSE's |
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I found this while on the flag fact finding search. It was so funny. I had to share it with yall.
How to fail on your GCSE's
The following list contaians answers that people have genuinly put in GCSE papers!
these were taken from papers during 1998 and compiled by the examiners
1: Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2: The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children Cain, asked "Am I my brothers son?"
3: Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, Where they made Unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses Went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4: Soloman had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5: The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.
6: Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but bby another man of that name.
7: Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died of an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8: In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, Jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the Java.
9: Eventualy, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10: Julius Ceasar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11: Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12: Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finaly Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice, for the same offence.
13: The writer of the futile ages was Chauncer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14: Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
15: Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
16: It was an age of great inventions and discoverys. Gutenburg invented the removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh was a historical figure. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17: The greatest writer of the renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is only famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18: Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19: During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered america while cursing about the atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.
20: Later the pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called pilgrim's progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all of this.
21: One of the causes of the Revolutionary war was the English put Tacks in their Tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, A Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration if Independance. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1760 and is still dead.
22: Soon the constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23: Abraham Lincon became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincon freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, Lincon went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believe was that this was John Wilke Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
24: Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented eletricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25: Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It id cheifly noticeable in the autum when the apples are falling off the trees.
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And my teachers said I was hopeless, Yeesh. These guys must of went to the Dallas school system. Which made the top 5 worst school systems in the country.
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Talen
Capellan Confederation
Sang-shao
Joined: 05-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 1269
Location: United States
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| Posted: 02-Apr-2002 12:39 Post subject: How to fail on your GCSE's |
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Yeah...but Californina has the 2nd worst Statewide! BWAHAAAHA
And some of those answers looked familiar...i need to go look at my last history test...
_________________
"Historians exercise great power and some of them know it. They recreate the past, changing it to fit their own interpretations. Thus, they change the future as well." - Leto II
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Ares
Clan Jade Falcon
Star Colonel
Joined: 20-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 737
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| Posted: 02-Apr-2002 13:43 Post subject: How to fail on your GCSE's |
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Here lies "Sir Francis Drake, who circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper."
ROFL!!! My side..I think I just broke a couple ribs...
[ This Message was edited by: Ares on 2002-04-02 14:35 ]
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I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will undoubtedly incriminate me.
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Kraken
Federated Suns
Marshal
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 2755
Location: United States
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| Posted: 02-Apr-2002 20:16 Post subject: How to fail on your GCSE's |
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The sad thing is that I know people that stupid. (How can you *not* tell that that big, black dome on the ceiling in a major hallway here at school is a security camera?)
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"I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat." -Edgar Allen Poe"I knew there was something special about you, but I never realized you were really a cat." Wolfwood to a random cat (Trigun)
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Rarich
Federated Suns
Leftenant General
Joined: 05-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 991
Location: United States
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| Posted: 03-Apr-2002 04:21 Post subject: How to fail on your GCSE's |
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"of couse all the fighter planes have computers. When they exceed the speed of sound the pilots pass out because the can't hear themselves think. Since a computer thinks faster than a human it takes over."
I had to walk away, laughing in someones face is considered rude.
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Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and strings also lie under it all.
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
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Sir Henry
Team Bansai
Senior Tech Specialist
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 4899
Location: United States
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| Posted: 03-Apr-2002 08:09 Post subject: How to fail on your GCSE's |
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You guys are scaring me with these views of stupidity....
Sir Henry
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Sir Henry
A Dragon in the disguise of a bunny, is still a Dragon.
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Kraken
Federated Suns
Marshal
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
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Location: United States
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| Posted: 03-Apr-2002 16:49 Post subject: How to fail on your GCSE's |
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Believe it or not, encountering stupidity of that level is actually a normal occurance. In fact, today in English is a prime example:
We were having a discussion over Hamlet, and one of the questions for deiscussion was whether or not the Ghost was real, or a figment of imagination. During this, I quoted "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." I actually had a kid ask me to explain it to him.
_________________
"I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat." -Edgar Allen Poe"I knew there was something special about you, but I never realized you were really a cat." Wolfwood to a random cat (Trigun)
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Ares
Clan Jade Falcon
Star Colonel
Joined: 20-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 737
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| Posted: 03-Apr-2002 22:06 Post subject: How to fail on your GCSE's |
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That took a little while to figure out, but then again, i've never read Hamlet and I'm only in 8th grade. Maybe it was the old english or something.
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Kraken
Federated Suns
Marshal
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
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Location: United States
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| Posted: 03-Apr-2002 22:51 Post subject: How to fail on your GCSE's |
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Then freakin' read it like there is no tomorrow. I say this because it gets used to death. And it is highly suggested that you memorize at least some of the lines.
_________________
"I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat." -Edgar Allen Poe"I knew there was something special about you, but I never realized you were really a cat." Wolfwood to a random cat (Trigun)
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Rarich
Federated Suns
Leftenant General
Joined: 05-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 991
Location: United States
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| Posted: 04-Apr-2002 02:43 Post subject: How to fail on your GCSE's |
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Being a security guard in the casino and on station up in the hotel walking the halls it gets boring.
We havbe the areas split, up but there is often time to stop and chat. The discussions can be about the next sports game, but we do have conversations about some of the philosphers and Writers. A lot of the young guys are working their way thru college.
"what did he mean by that?" is a fun conversation. "Tyranny of the Majority"
The horatio quote, and several other have come up and been discussed.
Take it either way, Learn it for those time when you can only spend the time talking. or for the Brain Food they tend to provide. Thinking about what you are reading is not a bad thing. "The brain is a muscle that needs excersise"
_________________
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and strings also lie under it all.
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
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