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Stinger
The Knights of Chaos
General
Joined: 30-Apr-2002 00:00
Posts: 1833
Location: United States
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 Posted: 07-May-2005 21:48 Post subject: Great quotes. |
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Great Quotes.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd
love to be skinny like that but not with all those
flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey
Question: "If you could live forever, would you and
why" ?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should
not live forever,because if we were supposed to live
forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces
some of the same reactions in the brain as
marijuana... The researchers also discovered other
similarities between the two, but can't remember what
they are.
Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to
comply with the law.
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering
accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life.
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of
my body.
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
forward
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country.
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the
people who make them unsafe.
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
After finding no qualified candidates for the position
of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to
announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools,
Barrington, Rhode Island
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better
prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and
bought jewelry".
Rita Rudner
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like
some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you
like some fries with that?"
Jay Leno
"The second day of a diet is always easier than the
first. By the second day you're off it".
Jackie Gleason
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your
groin unprotected".
Red Buttons
"I date this girl for two years -- and then the
nagging starts: "I wanna know your name"
Mike Binder
"Advertising: The science of arresting the human
intelligence long enough to get money from it".
Stephen Leacock
"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he
gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he
sticks his head out the window".
Steve Bluestone
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you
is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a
maniac".
George Carlin
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she
started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she
is".
Ellen DeGeneres
"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no
pain."
Carol Leifer
"I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.
So I grew hair under my arms instead."
Carol Leifer
"The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes
they would not be caught dead in otherwise". Roger
Simon
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of
Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough".
Pearl Williams
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze
pilots wore helmets".
Dave Edison
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together
without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place".
Johnny Carson
"It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the
toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline".
George Lindsey
"Never moon a werewolf".
Mike Binder
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching
television by candlelight." George Gobel
Anonymous:
My young son asked me what happens after we die.I told
him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat
our bodies.I guess I should have told him the
truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the
president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of
course, then we would have a lot of people voting for
a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for
the long weekends.
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part
about letting just any old yokel vote.
Home is where the house is.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank
my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an
unlisted number.
As you make your way through this hectic world of
ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of
the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got
into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because
if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the
grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big
bag of money.
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same
ones who think it odd that I drive without pants.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of
green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon
is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to
cheese when you leave it out.
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five.
Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow,
that's five more than the biggest number you could
come up with!
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out
of Halloween.
The only stupid question is the one that is never
asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time
you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to
give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a
man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's
not like he really needed them, right?
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.
But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man
smell.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your
last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry
because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the
last day of their life?
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a
singer as some people think he should be. Then, I
remember it's because he sucks.
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my
life, I think about the last words of my favorite
uncle: "A truck!"
If you really want to impress people with your
computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end
of everything you say, dot com.
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that
I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway
because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog
people sure don't have a sense of humor.
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint
dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater
lake that is the only source of water for some tiny
cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the
population gets more desperate, and sometimes there
are water riots. Once there was a big fire and
everyone died.
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."
Unless it was just a lawn mower.
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I
think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and
Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside
me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over
one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the
human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the
country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I
show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle
that we have found many more than four basic elements
and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of
kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder.
We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and
visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene
and quiet it would be until the looting started.
_________________
Stinger
If it's "creepy" to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so I can drop in on them unexpected, then FINE, I'm "creepy". Howard Wolowitz. BBT.
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Oafman
Draconis Combine
Tai-sho
Joined: 18-Nov-2003 00:00
Posts: 1657
Location: United States
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| Posted: 08-May-2005 09:40 Post subject: RE: Great quotes. |
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WOW! Someone who has found a list of funny, good quotes that I did not see already.
_________________
Festina Lente!
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WhizzbangThePowerSquig
Royal Black Watch Regiment
Master Sergeant
Joined: 21-Mar-2005 00:00
Posts: 345
Location: Canada
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| Posted: 08-May-2005 13:23 Post subject: RE: Great quotes. |
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I remember reading some of those in Penthouse.
_________________
All fear Squiggy!
"I've never seen anything this beautiful in the entire galaxy - okay, give me the bomb." - Ultra Magnus
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