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ICER
Clan Hell's Horses
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 Posted: 09-Feb-2006 10:13 Post subject: The Legend that is Chuck Norris |
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I found this on the Mechwarrior Site, and thought it was pretty funny. It's pretty stupid. but take it in the spirit it was written....which is to be funny
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fraking Indian.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the frak down.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't frak with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
[ This Message was edited by: ICER on 2006-02-09 12:48 ]
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Sleeping Dragon
Draconis Combine
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| Posted: 09-Feb-2006 10:32 Post subject: RE: The Legend of Chuck Norris |
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HAR, very funny..., but now I have to hope that Chuck is not going to visit Europe, or kick me through internet ...graghnnhh...
*SD realigns his head*
Sorry Chuck, please oh mighty Chuck don't punish me again... *crush* *kick* ...plea... *wham*...aww...*chop*
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Stinger
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| Posted: 10-Feb-2006 17:47 Post subject: RE: The Legend that is Chuck Norris |
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Well I do find it funny. I am suddenely awed by all of the chuck norris stuff I am seeing. Has it just come out recentely that he is a premadonna and aggrogant (in much the same way say david hasslehoff is?)
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ICER
Clan Hell's Horses
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| Posted: 10-Feb-2006 19:29 Post subject: RE: The Legend that is Chuck Norris |
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On 2006-02-10 17:47, Stinger wrote:
Well I do find it funny. I am suddenely awed by all of the chuck norris stuff I am seeing. Has it just come out recentely that he is a premadonna and aggrogant (in much the same way say david hasslehoff is?)
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Actually, he's quite level headed and down to earth. I really have no idea who wrote this, Or if they have a gruge against him. or just jabbing him because of his status. Which is why I added that (at least for my propose of posting) it was done in jest.
I meet Mr Norris once. very nice guy
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Warhammer: 3025
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| Posted: 10-Feb-2006 23:39 Post subject: RE: The Legend that is Chuck Norris |
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The Chuck Norris phenomena is much like Batman or Spiderman obsession.
Chuck has a beard, is a martial artist, has (or had) a television show, and sells a home gym system. All of these factors combine into a sort of pop-culture demi-god. He's pulled out as the "trump card" of "who would win in a fight?" arguements (although people TRULY in tune with pop-culture pull The Cookie Monster or Mister Rogers to beat even Chuck).
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Oafman
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| Posted: 13-Feb-2006 20:27 Post subject: RE: The Legend that is Chuck Norris |
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I personally like Chuck Norris. He is one of those nice guys in Hollywood. He is also one of the biggest purveyors of REALLY CHEESY tv shows and movies.
This list is pretty funny, not just because it picks fun at a celebrity but because it addresses the pop culture icon that is nothing like the real guy.
My favorite has to be the one about not hunting, but going killing.
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Sleeping Dragon
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| Posted: 14-Feb-2006 07:41 Post subject: RE: The Legend that is Chuck Norris |
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I think that this list clearly addresses all those super positive characters he usually performs. I can't recall him playing bad guy.
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ICER
Clan Hell's Horses
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| Posted: 14-Feb-2006 13:09 Post subject: RE: The Legend that is Chuck Norris |
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On 2006-02-14 07:41, Sleeping Dragon wrote:
I think that this list clearly addresses all those super positive characters he usually performs. I can't recall him playing bad guy.
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There's actually a very good reason why he never plays the bad guy. Because (according to the legend) the good guys would lose. And how would want to pay to see that
Becides me 
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AlexxKnight
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| Posted: 14-Feb-2006 20:59 Post subject: RE: The Legend that is Chuck Norris |
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I don't know when the "Facts' were first posted on the web, or when this was actually posted, but he made an official response to these so called"facts" on his website.
http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx
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Motown Scrapper
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| Posted: 14-Feb-2006 22:04 Post subject: RE: The Legend that is Chuck Norris |
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It looks like Chuck Norris is a good sport. 
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Clan Hell's Horses
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2006 09:06 Post subject: RE: The Legend that is Chuck Norris |
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On 2006-02-14 22:04, Motown Scrapper wrote:
It looks like Chuck Norris is a good sport.
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I'm glad too. because for one, I posted these facts a more then a few boards. and two, I live in Dallas. in fact about 20 mintues for Chucky's area.
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Sleeping Dragon
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2006 11:23 Post subject: RE: The Legend that is Chuck Norris |
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While the reaction isn't so funny, it's just like I expected it would be. It's good that Chuck can understand jokes and isn't oversensitive.
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2006 12:00 Post subject: RE: The Legend that is Chuck Norris |
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On 2006-02-15 11:23, Sleeping Dragon wrote:
While the reaction isn't so funny, it's just like I expected it would be. It's good that Chuck can understand jokes and isn't oversensitive.
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ya think?
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Sleeping Dragon
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2006 12:54 Post subject: RE: The Legend that is Chuck Norris |
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I can imagine much worse reactions...
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Raven!
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2006 14:32 Post subject: RE: The Legend that is Chuck Norris |
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Oh Mr. Norris has a great sense of humor. I seem to recall a Walker episode once, years ago, where EVERYONE was picking on him. I'm fairly sure it was meant to be a joke episode or something (like Wormhole XTreme! for Stargate SG1).
I don't remember much about it, but he seemed to be enjoying himself so I've always thought he had a good sense of humor. I could be wrong, as I said it was years ago and I was never a huge Walker fan so i never payed close attention.
The problem with this whole legend thing is when you're playing World of Warcraft and all the channels are being spammed with Chuck Norris this, Chuck Norris that. It is insane.
Raven!
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