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theclockwork
ComStar
Recruit
Joined: 25-Apr-2006 00:00
Posts: 4
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 Posted: 25-Apr-2006 19:33 Post subject: Thompsons rules of battletech (funny) |
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My buddy john thompson wrote these and I wanted to share.
Trying to tie more than five machine guns to a single TIC is a sure sign of desperation.
A broken flamer, when demonstrated for the tech, will always work perfectly. Point it away from you.
Machine guns are nature's way of reminding 'Mechs that ammunition explodes.
The Gauss Rifle will always take a critical in the turn before you'd planned on shutting it down due to ammo depletion.
Your 'Mech was designed by somebody who thought the ammo bins would be "safer" next to the engine.
Corollary: the Inner Sphere XL engine was designed to allow you to carry larger ammo bins in that "safe" place next to the engine.
Heat sinks are for girls!
Mercenaries: remember, if the Clanner challenges you to a duel, it means the artillery volley is already en route.
Real Men don't use targeting computers. Of course, Clanners are grown in vats, so....
Elementals are nature's way of reminding MechWarriors that size doesn't matter.
Elementals are nature's way of reminding infantry that size matters a whole lot.
Your MASC system was designed to freeze up only within 300 meters of the enemy or when attempting something heroic.
The guy driving the Atlas is not, contrary to popular belief, trying to make up for any "deficiencies." But the guy in the Devastator has a small penis.
Flamers are nature's way of reminding vehicles that they're considered expendable by the CO.
The Mackie was designed prior to the rediscovery of Freudian psychology. The Cestus, however, has no excuse.
The Centurion that looks like an easy target from a distance will always be the variant with the LB-20X.
UrbanMechs are only cute until you meet one in a dark alley.
That unexpected invitation to duel in the Solaris arenas is not, in fact, the "great opportunity" you think it is.
The fact that Clanners gave the old fart the Hunchback IIC to drive should give you pause.
Dashers are nature's way of reminding you that sometimes it's just easier to call in an airstrike.
Don't call Clan Wolf warriors "cute widdle puppies!" They hate that.
Hollander: Kills Wasps Dead, or your money back.
They guy standing next to you will be the one idiot in the battalion who didn't dump his machine gun ammo the minute he realized it was in his center torso bin.
Gauss Rifle rounds, given the choice, will alway hit the thinnest armor you've got. Except YOUR Gauss Rifle rounds, which seem to like to hit trees instead.
When you attempt to Stackpole your fusion reactor, your ejection seat will suddenly develop a yearning for home and steer back towards your 'Mech.
Your quartermaster will not understand why you don't think that single SRM-2 launcher and its bin of 50 shots is a "nice extra for later in the fight, when things have gotten close in," despite your repeated attempts at explanation about armor depletion over time. Your insurance agent, however, will understand perfectly and charge you an additional premium.
Given the choice between desertion and piloting an unmodified Jagermech, remember that a deserter, even if caught, will live longer.
The Hatchetman pilot you're facing will always be a baseball or cricket enthusiast. Unless you're an infantryman, in which case he likes golf.
The Clanner you're facing will be the one joker in his Star who thinks it's funny to shoot your legs out from behind, then dry-hump your downed 'Mech.
FASCAM launchers are equal-opportunity deployers.
Alacorn tanks are nature's way of reminding MechWarriors that tankers are mean sumbitches.
When your CO decides to pull back to a "more defensible" position in the abandoned refinery, your observation about the enemy's reliance on artillery and mixed Firestarter/Vulcan lances will not go unpunished.
DO NOT volunteer to test the FedCom's "latest innovation in battle armor technology." Especially if the engineers have nicknamed it "the chopper."
The Daishi A was designed to win a bet between two Clanner engineers that "There's no such thing as too many guns."
Long Tom artillery is the ultimate _expression of Freudian aggression.
The Sovetskii-Soyuz battlecruiser is nature's way of saying "Death comes to us all. In your cases, it'll be today."
The one day you shell out the extra to include Artemis-equipped LRM rounds will be the day your opponent decides to experiment with overlapping ECM suites.
If you wait to fire that Ultra AC/20 until you really need it, it will automatically jam on the first shot. Then explode, if you're lucky.
No, that NARC beacon pod doesn't "like you," and its missile buddies are not in fact trying to "follow you home."
Attempting to fry eggs on a running 'Mech reactor is inadvisable. They explode. However, a side of beef, marinated regularly and turned every fifteen minutes, will cook to a tender golden-brown in roughly an hour. Serve with cilantro-pepper sauce and beans.
Calling a Clanner a surat will not "rile him up" so he misses his next shot. Neither will "yo momma" jokes. Try ducking instead.
You know you're in trouble when you can see more than one Marauder in a single firing arc.
_________________
The Hatchetman pilot you're facing will always be a baseball or cricket enthusiast. Unless you're an infantryman, in which case he likes golf.
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chihawk
Clan Blood Spirit
Master Bartender
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 8072
Location: United States
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| Posted: 25-Apr-2006 20:03 Post subject: RE: Thompsons rules of battletech (funny) |
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You are a Zombie, are you not?
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www.210sportsblog.com
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theclockwork
ComStar
Recruit
Joined: 25-Apr-2006 00:00
Posts: 4
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| Posted: 25-Apr-2006 20:28 Post subject: RE: Thompsons rules of battletech (funny) |
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I got a BOB in my trunk, guilty as charged.
_________________
The Hatchetman pilot you're facing will always be a baseball or cricket enthusiast. Unless you're an infantryman, in which case he likes golf.
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chihawk
Clan Blood Spirit
Master Bartender
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 8072
Location: United States
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| Posted: 25-Apr-2006 21:05 Post subject: RE: Thompsons rules of battletech (funny) |
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Quote:
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On 2006-04-25 20:28, theclockwork wrote:
I got a BOB in my trunk, guilty as charged.
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Do you play Battletech or are you just here for the free bar snacks?
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www.210sportsblog.com
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theclockwork
ComStar
Recruit
Joined: 25-Apr-2006 00:00
Posts: 4
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| Posted: 25-Apr-2006 21:19 Post subject: RE: Thompsons rules of battletech (funny) |
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Well, these little salty things are great, but I got to say I do love the sound a Black knight's ax makes when it cuts threw a urbanmech with triple strength mymor on overheat...
Yeah I have played for a few years, not recently however. No one plays here.
_________________
The Hatchetman pilot you're facing will always be a baseball or cricket enthusiast. Unless you're an infantryman, in which case he likes golf.
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Nightmare
Lyran Alliance
Kommandant-General
Joined: 03-May-2002 00:00
Posts: 2214
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| Posted: 26-Apr-2006 00:33 Post subject: RE: Thompsons rules of battletech (funny) |
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Quote:
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On 2006-04-25 19:33, theclockwork wrote:
Given the choice between desertion and piloting an unmodified Jagermech, remember that a deserter, even if caught, will live longer.
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Last time the pilot survived his first battle, but the JagerMech was destroyed. Then the pilot deserted. With his CO's Thunderbolt, IIRC.
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A tree fall in the forest, and no one is around, and it hits a mime. Does anyone care?
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Sleeping Dragon
Draconis Combine
Tai-i
Joined: 06-Apr-2005 00:00
Posts: 4820
Location: Czech Republic
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| Posted: 26-Apr-2006 01:24 Post subject: RE: Thompsons rules of battletech (funny) |
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Actually there are a few funny things there.
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The dragon NEVER sleeps!
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Stinger
The Knights of Chaos
General
Joined: 30-Apr-2002 00:00
Posts: 1833
Location: United States
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| Posted: 26-Apr-2006 02:20 Post subject: RE: Thompsons rules of battletech (funny) |
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Alacorn tanks are nature's way of reminding MechWarriors that tankers are mean sumbitches.
This one had me rolling.
_________________
Stinger
If it's "creepy" to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so I can drop in on them unexpected, then FINE, I'm "creepy". Howard Wolowitz. BBT.
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GodofWar
Federated Suns
Private
Joined: 29-Apr-2006 00:00
Posts: 21
Location: United States
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| Posted: 30-Apr-2006 22:34 Post subject: RE: Thompsons rules of battletech (funny) |
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You left out one of my favorites: If your lancemates are running for the dropship, you better catch 'em
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"Do or do not, there is no try"
Yoda, Jedi Master
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