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DarkAdder
Clan Star Adder
Star Commander
Joined: 10-Jan-2004 00:00
Posts: 604
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 Posted: 15-May-2004 23:59 Post subject: Truth, as learned in the field |
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I got this from the net, and so far, its all true. If theres any mistakes ( e.g. numbering and all that) bear in mind, this is not my original work, this is just something too funny to be true.
The 88 Truths of Battletech
1)Victor Davion, left to his own devices will always fail politically
2) Never turn your back on a Liao, you might just lose a planet.
3) The weapon system you use the most will ALWAYS fail when you need it.
4) Standard Guass Rifles are the kings of the Battlefield
5) Kai Allard Liao will always win.
6) It is impossible to kill Victor Davion.
7) It is not, however impossible to kill anyone close to him.
8) ComStar knows all, except when it really matters.
9) Word of Blake cannot be trusted. Ever.
10) A male villian will always fall in love with an equally evil female villianess who rules an enemy kingdom.
11) Small Lasers are useless unless your last name is Pryde
12) Inner Sphere XL engines and Case DO NOT MIX
13) NEVER Clone an enemy. It Always fails.
14) Never let a clone get access to your finances.. They'll build up an army and...
15) BATTLETECH AND ALIENS DO NOT MIX
The first rule of BattleTech is -- you do not talk about aliens. The second rule of BattleTech is -- YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT ALIENS!
16) All second born heirs to the throne should be drowned, for they ALL will do something to discredit the realm
17) Jumpjets and Cockpits don't mix
18) All crusader clansmen can be fooled by a show of honor, leading them into a trap that causes their death.
19) Rookies will always perform the most suicidal manuvers, taking their whole lance with them.
20) Commanders of the 10th Lyran Guard can take headshots and survive
21) uber Assault mechs die in turn 3 to a PPC hit to the head
22) Any mech that can walk 10 / 15 is a GOD mech.....
23) If you are a ristar in Clan Ghost Bear you will always win
24) No matter what, the Jade Falcons always win
25) If you see a black Warhammer, run.
26) Always blame it on the Black Dragons.
27) The Ice Hellions will always do something stupid when you least expect it.
28) Never never never EVER challenge the Clans to a game of football.
29) Never place all your ranking Khans on the bridge of one ship.
30) Watch out when you taking a periphery freeborn mercenary as a bondsman, He can take over your clan.
31) Special Forces (DEST, etc.) always win, unless they attack the hero of the particular story, where they suffer disastorous failures.
31) Freeborns ALWAYS beat trueborns.
32) Never have large families when your the ruler.
33) ICE Power Battlemech is a BAD THING.
34) You will always get Boxcars when you expect it the least . . . by your opponents
35) Your most powerful 'mech will take a headshot within 3 rounds of starting.
36) It is suicidal to fight an Elemental unaugmented. UNLESS your last name is Kell ,Allard, or Davion.
37) When a Combine warrior commits supuku, all it accomplishes is the friend of that warrior (usually an enemy of the Combine) to beat the crap out of loyal DC units.
38) The Davions always start the problems or help start them in some way, just so they can charge in to save the day.
39) Bullets and lasers disappear at a set distance from the firer.
40) A mech doing a death from above has right of way.
41) When playing using Battle Value, 3025 machines all but rule the battlefield. 1400 for 1 Clan Shadowcat does not equal a Battlemaster or a Banshee.
42) Tanks are your friend. 1 Stone Rhino does not equal a lance of Behemoth tanks.
43) LBX weaponry was designed to ruin a munchkin's day.
44) Ultra Autocannons are not ultra.
45) Standard infantry is even more useless than small lasers(unless of course you are Grayson "Death" Carlyle, in which case you can stop an entire lance of mech with nothing more than an inferno launcher)
46) If you ever see the partial name "DAVEY" on any crates, weapon platforms, or boxes... RUN. Get off planet and call in warship support.
47) If your leige likes to sit in candle lit rooms and talk about lemmings, DO NOT AGREE TO ANYTHING ELSE HE SAYS.
48) Paul Masters is a twit
49) Contrary to her nickname, Natash Kerensky is not the Black Widow. Victor Davion is.
50) A dead artist can, if he keeps painting, bring down an insane leader.
51) A Point of Elementals can be taken out by a large rubber band and some Rebar. (those pesky freedom fighters)
52) The Wolf Dragoons, Gray Death Leagon., Eriduni Light Horse., Kell Hounds and any other similar units will always rebuild even if only one person is left standing....beause they are really interstellar COCKROACHES.
53) Back shots will ALWAYS miss the rear armor
54) Any merc unit above a regiment in size is a private army
55) The Ice Hellions will always lose and then throw a tantrum
56) Any clanner who thinks the sphereoids are barbarian freebirth scum will always get torn apart when facing them
57) There is no such thing as good luck, only bad
58) The laws of physics do not exist
59) Infiltraitor MKII Battle Armor can never run out of mini gauss slugs.
60) Whatever mech you dont care about on the field will do the best.
61) No matter how many times peace is brought to the Innersphere, they will always find a way to start a war
62) when closing in on an enemy to pound the living dog poo out of that busted up Enfield, he shoots his LBX, and viola, one point to the head! and of course you fail your con check..................
63) If a mortal enemy sends merc troops to help you when you are in dire need, you can trust those troops.
64) If. however, a mortal enemy sends house troops, you will lose a planet.
65) Clones can run the affairs of state better than the original.
66) If you are Primus of Comstar, NEVER spurn the sexual advances from a Precentor. If you do, she'll try to destroy you and take your job.
67) If you are about to have a covert operation, name it after something cute and cuddly. Otherwise it will fail and you'll look stupid. (eg Operation Scorpion, Operation Revival)
67) A first-time player given access to an AC-20 or a Gauss Rifle is garaunteed to roll a 12.
68) If you fire many weapons in one round, the AC20 and Gauss Rifle will be the only ones to miss.
69) Close combat is what Inner Sphere mechs do while they cool down.
70) If you have a fast, jump capable mech that likes to get in close to the enemy, it will suffer a gyro hit on the first turn, making it basically useless the rest of the fight.
71) Just because you have double heat sinks doesn't mean you can't overheat.
72) Non CASE equipped machines will always have ammunition explosions for weapons that have already been destroyed.
73) The only reason Urbanmechs exist is so they can be outclassed by nearly every other tank and mech in the game.
74) A city defended by Typhoon UAVs is a city you don't bother sending ground troops into.
75) You can never win against 18 Squads of Slamander battle armor no matter what you do( That was a lesson taught to me by a friend).
76) Precision ammo will always spark near fist fights. 78/ a mech without a TC needing a 10 will always roll a 9 a mech with a TC needing a 9 will always roll a 8
77) Never turn your back on your siblings, they tend to do bad things to it. 80/ skill 3/4 pilots always falls over skill 4/6 pilots refuse to go down regardless of how hard they are hit.
78) A Locust in the hands of your enemy is the most annoying thing since moviegoers discovered cell phones. 81a) A Locust in your hands is 20 tons of scrap metal on Turn 2.
79) The only thing scarier than a mad elemental is a randy elemental.
80) The last mech standing always belongs to the green guy.
81) No matter how small the 'Mech, two AC20's in its backside will always critical everything except what is needed to destroy the mech.
82) The first critical hit on your best 'Mech will always be in the worst possible place at the earliest opportunity.
83) The nineteenth critical hit on your worst 'Mech still won't impede it seriously,and will happen about thirty turns after your best 'Mech blew it's ammuntion bay on the first hit.
84) Whenever you just get done doing a museum-grade paint job on that brand new mini you have been waiting a long time to see in your Regimental Colors, your wife, kids, best friend, et al will Warga the paint job on you!
85) You will ALWAYS make your MASC roll EXCEPT when adjacent to an enemy Assault 'mech.
86) The 'mech you just used to score that headshot will summarily lose its head in the same turn.
87) Your opponent's barely armed light will need to be blasted completely to pieces, every section destroyed by fire, to kill it. (Known as the Black Knight effect) Conversely your 100 Assault Death God Mech will fall mostly undamaged, with it's head shot off.
88) You can tell a quality 'mech design by how fast it takes a headshot-the better the 'mech, the less time between the start of the game and the headshot.
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Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
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Slythis
Federated Suns
Colonel
Joined: 09-Aug-2002 00:00
Posts: 712
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| Posted: 16-May-2004 02:51 Post subject: RE: Truth, as learned in the field |
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to say that much of that is understatement would be.. well... an understatement. Most noteably the so called "Black Knight" effect, I've recently taken a liking to using a Single lance of HSR-200-D Hussars to cut assault companies to ribbons.
[ This Message was edited by: Slythis on 2004-05-16 02:55 ]
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"It is pleasant, when the winds are high and the seas are rough to watch the stuggles of another from the shore."
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Nightmare
Lyran Alliance
Kommandant-General
Joined: 03-May-2002 00:00
Posts: 2214
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| Posted: 16-May-2004 10:03 Post subject: RE: Truth, as learned in the field |
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There's three extra rules on that list. Not that they are any less true than the rest.
You should add my rule about Solaris VII dueling. "The best arena mechs are the MG boats that would be toast long before getting into firing range with standard rules. Conversely, your deadly custom Marauder is worthless as it overheats immediately."
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A tree fall in the forest, and no one is around, and it hits a mime. Does anyone care?
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ralgith
Blighted Sun Battalion
1st Company
"Ralgith's Renegades"
Colonel
Joined: 18-Aug-2003 00:00
Posts: 2021
Location: United States
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| Posted: 16-May-2004 10:45 Post subject: RE: Truth, as learned in the field |
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That is pretty funny, and several of them have happened to me. Like the black knight effect. *wink wink* Mordel's Locust in our online Campaign just WILL NOT DIE!!!
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Colonel Ralgith t'Mayasara
Blighted Sun Battalion
1st Company 'Ralgith's Renegades'
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Seraph
Blighted Sun Battalion
2nd Company
"Seraph's Slaughter"
Major
Joined: 11-Mar-2004 00:00
Posts: 1744
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| Posted: 16-May-2004 10:48 Post subject: RE: Truth, as learned in the field |
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LOL, but his Thunder Hawk will drop on the first firing round with a Gauss slug in the cockpit.
-edited for spelling-
-spelling edit again-
[ This Message was edited by: Seraph on 2004-05-16 11:05 ]
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If ignorance is bliss, then why are you so miserable?
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bandit
Clan Nova Cat
Star Colonel
Joined: 21-Sep-2002 00:00
Posts: 482
Location: Italy
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| Posted: 16-May-2004 10:58 Post subject: RE: Truth, as learned in the field |
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| I had finished my credit
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ralgith
Blighted Sun Battalion
1st Company
"Ralgith's Renegades"
Colonel
Joined: 18-Aug-2003 00:00
Posts: 2021
Location: United States
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| Posted: 16-May-2004 11:04 Post subject: RE: Truth, as learned in the field |
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Yeap.
_________________
Colonel Ralgith t'Mayasara
Blighted Sun Battalion
1st Company 'Ralgith's Renegades'
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