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Vampire
Free Worlds League
Lieutenant Colonel
Joined: 05-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 912
Location: Spain
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 Posted: 22-Mar-2004 16:10 Post subject: Democracy according to Johnny Carson |
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"To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds. Democracy is having time set aside to worship--18 years if you're Jim Bakker.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.
Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress. Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto--usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.
Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer. Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.
Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve. Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.
Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head--this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
I thank you."
by Johnny Carson
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Memento audare semper
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Raven!
Clan Snow Raven
Galaxy Commander
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 1326
Location: United States
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| Posted: 22-Mar-2004 21:00 Post subject: RE: Democracy according to Johnny Carson |
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hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Raven!
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Gunslinger Patch
Royal Black Watch Regiment
Major
Joined: 04-Mar-2002 00:00
Posts: 1611
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| Posted: 22-Mar-2004 21:41 Post subject: RE: Democracy according to Johnny Carson |
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That's so droll. We'll never see another one like Johnny Carson.
One of the funniest things I recall from his shows is a very early show where a guy was showing him how to throw a tomahawk at a man size target. His very first throw hit the target right in the crotch. The audience lost it totally and Johnny was laughing so hard he fell on the floor and kept on laughing.
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"Those who beat their guns into plows will plow for those with guns..." -Thomas Jefferson
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Nightmare
Lyran Alliance
Kommandant-General
Joined: 03-May-2002 00:00
Posts: 2214
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| Posted: 23-Mar-2004 12:58 Post subject: RE: Democracy according to Johnny Carson |
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That's not too far from the truth, really.
I've sometimes thought that the only real advantage of democracy is that we get to choose the incompetent bags of corruption who rule. We can always blame the guys who voted for different parties if the elected man turns out wrong.
Communism means you can't complain. Monarchy means the king rules by decree from the Lord, and you can't complain unless you want to be accused of heresy.
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A tree fall in the forest, and no one is around, and it hits a mime. Does anyone care?
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Oafman
Draconis Combine
Tai-sho
Joined: 18-Nov-2003 00:00
Posts: 1657
Location: United States
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| Posted: 23-Mar-2004 14:22 Post subject: RE: Democracy according to Johnny Carson |
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That scene actually holds the worlds record for the longest sustained laugh in Television history. I like how Johnny times it just right. Just when the audience is caliming down He says 'I didn't know you were Jewish'. At that point the audience erupts anew and many are out of their seats rolling on the floor. Good stuff.
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Festina Lente!
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