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Vampire
Free Worlds League
Lieutenant Colonel
Joined: 05-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 912
Location: Spain
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 Posted: 15-May-2004 07:36 Post subject: Royal Navy humor |
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First, the original British Fitness Officer Report, it has been circulated around, and changed to make it look like a civilian employee report, here's the original
http://www.uss-bennington.org/hu-fitnessreport.html
and now, some more fun stuff
An article from The Guardian
It was reported gravely by the papers that carried the story, the Royal Navy would, for the first time in 300 years, have fewer surface ships than the French navy.(...) we still have more submarines than they do, so war with France remains an option, should a future Tory administration deem this appropriate.
Full text of article here
[link]www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,3604,1127409,00.html[/link]
And now, a page full of goodies
http://www.rnca.info/humour/index.htm
[ This Message was edited by: Vampire on 2004-05-15 09:00 ]
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Kraken
Federated Suns
Marshal
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 2755
Location: United States
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| Posted: 15-May-2004 08:18 Post subject: RE: Royal Navy humor |
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The link that you had for the Guardian article didn't get done right; not all of the addy is in the link so you might want to re-post it.
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Wanallo
Federated Suns
Leftenant Colonel
Joined: 02-Jan-2004 00:00
Posts: 671
Location: United Kingdom
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| Posted: 15-May-2004 08:39 Post subject: RE: Royal Navy humor |
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Less Surface ships than the French? Whats this country coming to? Quick buy some rubber dingeys and strap a MG to the front, give them fancy names like Indomidable.
I think with a couple of rubber dingeys our fleet would defeat the french (with a few bricks to destroy their subs!)
Also, by the looks of things, war with France doesnt seem so far away, seems as the UK's favorite past-time is pissing off the EU!
Isn't it great to feel hated? 
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Vampire
Free Worlds League
Lieutenant Colonel
Joined: 05-Feb-2002 00:00
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Location: Spain
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| Posted: 15-May-2004 09:01 Post subject: RE: Royal Navy humor |
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what the hell, it gets screwed up by the board, just copy and paste
EDIT:
This excerpt of the article is almost as funny as the first one 
"Cebrowski, a former US Navy fighter pilot, preaches his gospel in the bizarre language of the vast US military bureaucracy, with Delphic touches of his own that make him sound like a cross between a New Labour visionary, a Zen master and Darth Vader. Here, in a recent conference speech, is the voice of the man whose thinking is driving the future of American defence policy, which inevitably drags the Royal Navy along in its wake: "The Transaction Strategy rests on the management of four key flows between the Non-Integrating Gap and the Functioning Core."
[ This Message was edited by: Vampire on 2004-05-15 09:07 ]
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DarkAdder
Clan Star Adder
Star Commander
Joined: 10-Jan-2004 00:00
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| Posted: 15-May-2004 09:58 Post subject: RE: Royal Navy humor |
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Hated? Wanallo, go to the mid-east and wear an American flag and see what kind of reaction you get.... 
War with the French? Why?
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Kraken
Federated Suns
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| Posted: 15-May-2004 12:12 Post subject: RE: Royal Navy humor |
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Quote:
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On 2004-05-15 09:01, Vampire wrote:
what the hell, it gets screwed up by the board, just copy and paste
EDIT:
This excerpt of the article is almost as funny as the first one
"Cebrowski, a former US Navy fighter pilot, preaches his gospel in the bizarre language of the vast US military bureaucracy, with Delphic touches of his own that make him sound like a cross between a New Labour visionary, a Zen master and Darth Vader. Here, in a recent conference speech, is the voice of the man whose thinking is driving the future of American defence policy, which inevitably drags the Royal Navy along in its wake: "The Transaction Strategy rests on the management of four key flows between the Non-Integrating Gap and the Functioning Core."
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Back here the English teachers would use statements like that as examples of what *not* to do with a sentence. 
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"I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat." -Edgar Allen Poe"I knew there was something special about you, but I never realized you were really a cat." Wolfwood to a random cat (Trigun)
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Wanallo
Federated Suns
Leftenant Colonel
Joined: 02-Jan-2004 00:00
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Location: United Kingdom
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| Posted: 15-May-2004 12:32 Post subject: RE: Royal Navy humor |
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Don't know much about the UK and France? Put it this way, its like the Davions and Cappelans. We spent half of our history at war with each other, and the other half hating each other, lol
One thing worse than going to Iraq with an American flag?
George Bush going to Iraq with an American flag!
Do you kinda get the hint we aren't wanted in Iraq anymore? 
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Constant exposure to dangers will breed contempt for them-Seneca
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Vampire
Free Worlds League
Lieutenant Colonel
Joined: 05-Feb-2002 00:00
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Location: Spain
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| Posted: 15-May-2004 13:50 Post subject: RE: Royal Navy humor |
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And here's the sequel to the officer fitness reports, for those of you that haven't time to dig through the site
ADAPTABILITY
* Midshipman F started at the bottom and has stayed there.
* An aptitude test showed that this recruit's only real aptitude is for taking aptitude tests.
* Midshipman D breezes through life in an untroubled manner. I am not sure whether it is indifference or inexperience that puts him beyond the reach of anxiety.
ALCOHOL
* This Leading Stoker is suffering from bottle fatigue.
* The Buffer usually drinks doubles - and then sees the same way.
* If a mosquito bit my MEO, it would probably die of alcohol poisoning.
COMMON SENSE
* I wish this officer would understand that nought is a mark.
* As Navigator's Yeoman he is like a lighthouse in a desert - brilliant but useless.
* Socially, this young helicopter pilot is partial to hell-raising stag parties - but usually knows where to draw the line, or, at worst, who to apologise to the following day.
COURAGE & STAMINA
* The Senior Engineering Officer believes that only a certain number of heartbeats have been allotted to him, and is reluctant to use any of them up on the sports field.
* The Gunnery Officer has had a series of chest infections; he is so full of antibiotics that every time he sneezes, he cures a dozen people.
* With regards to hard work, this Able Seaman has a notion - but very little motion.
EFFECTIVENESS
* Petty Officer K knows very little, but knows it very fluently.
* Leading Seaman A often lets his mind go blank, but then forgets to turn off the sound.
INTEGRITY
* This sailor is something of a contact man - all 'con' and no 'tact'.
* The Padre is a small, lithe man who slides about the place in a rather oily fashion.
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Sir Henry
Team Bansai
Senior Tech Specialist
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 4899
Location: United States
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| Posted: 17-May-2004 06:30 Post subject: RE: Royal Navy humor |
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My favorite is still: This person has reached Rock Bottom. And has commenced digging...
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A Dragon in the disguise of a bunny, is still a Dragon.
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-Mud
ex-Jade Falcon
Bounty Hunter
Joined: 04-Nov-2003 00:00
Posts: 1082
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| Posted: 17-May-2004 10:13 Post subject: RE: Royal Navy humor |
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Well, it's good to know the option remains open. After the U.S. gets done in Iraq, I'm sure there are plenty of Americans that would support invading France
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