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Vagabond
Mercenary
Mr. Referee
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 5724
Location: United States
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 Posted: 31-Jan-2005 18:22 Post subject: funny stuff... |
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Subject: The - ahem, Prescription
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things
will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you
didn't tell me you had a prescription!"
***
15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2.Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares......and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13.Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last but not least
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There is no toilet paper in here!"
***
Dear Dog and Cat:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food &dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cat s sleeping. They can actually
curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end
to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for
years...
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' butt.
I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the followin g message on our front door.....
* Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our
pets:
They live here; you don't!
1. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture
2. I like my pet better than I like most people
3. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
Dogs and cats are better than kids.
They eat less,
don't ask for money
all the time, are easier to train,
usually come when called,
never drive your car,
don't hang out with drug-using friends,
don't drink or smoke,
don't worry about buying the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes,
and don't need a gazillion dollars for college
***
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go.
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
***
there you go, enjoy.
_________________
one must work hard to cultivate the mind and body. and one must always cultivate the mind.
//^(^_^)^\\
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Oafman
Draconis Combine
Tai-sho
Joined: 18-Nov-2003 00:00
Posts: 1657
Location: United States
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| Posted: 04-Feb-2005 09:42 Post subject: RE: funny stuff... |
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I like the Wal-mart one. Need to remember those the next time my wife is there looking through the fabric....
_________________
Festina Lente!
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